I say yes

I Say Yes

I was sitting in Borders talking to my old grad school friend Holly and her friend Dan. She asked me to explain what I do. As I talked Dan got all excited and said I should write a book and the title of the book should be “I say Yes”. I guess he was inspired by what I said. It went something like this:

I devise ways that I can say Yes to children. It is an amazing thing to do. Over the years I have devised various structures to facilitate this. Children need to hear yes a lot. It affirms on so many levels and communicates so much. It says I see you, I hear you, you are here, we are present together. It says “you may”, you have my permission, this is a good thing to do right now. It says “you can”, you have the ability, you are able to do this, you can accomplish this (it may take some time and effort but you can do it). It says yes, there is something in you, that is good, and that is manifesting right now and I see you doing that, and it is welcome here, not only right now, but on this planet, in this world. Yes says that I appreciate and care about who you are.

This is not the same as letting a child do whatever they want, or asking them what they want or letting them do what you think they should want or making them do what you think is right for them. It is based on a belief in the basic goodness of each person, but it also includes the acknowledgment that they develop in an orderly fashion that can be identified. That we can know what is appropriate for each stage of child development. It is the next step in this developmental ladder that lets us know where the Yes has to fit in. This allows us to know when to say Yes, when to say NO and what needs to happen in order to bring us together in Yes. Hopefully this will become clearer as we begin to talk about the specifics of the programs. 

 

One very effective way of saying Yes is through something called Guided Story Play (GSP). It is a class for younger children 5-8 years old. This is how it goes: The children create a character for themselves. It can be anything from an animal to an ordinary person to a super hero or alien or monster. Whatever they want to be, I get to say Yes! Sometimes they walk into the room knowing what they want to be, other times it seems they look through the boxes of costumes to get an idea. Sometimes their character will come from an idea a friend has. It doesn't matter. They get to choose. They can pick a name for their character, or use their own or have no name.

The second task is to create a home. Every character needs to have a home. A place to go when the story starts. A place to return to to listen to the rest of the story. There is a bunch of electronic equipment they can use in their homes. Cell phones, walkie-talkies, computer keyboards, and an assortment of other odd and interesting pieces of technology that I have collected over time.

I write down their basic choices, their character and name plus any powers they might have, whether they are good or evil, and what they want to happen to them in the story. If what they want to happen involves someone else, they need to get that person's permission to include them in their part of the story. If the computer scientist wants to capture the princess, he has to ask the princess' permission. Usually, if someone gets captured, they also get to chose who rescues them, again, asking permission to each person involved.

There are lots of possibilities. If someone wants to be captured and no one is interested in capturing them, I will become “Evil King Obe” and do the deed. Being evil is an important part of the experience. Some children begin with an aversion to being evil and then, over time, get more comfortable with it. It is not defined in any way except by their own concept. They might start the out as evil in the story and end up good. This can involve a death and being brought back to life. These transformations are not a big deal. Dieing and coming back to life are pretty matter of fact in this context. In fact, everything is possible in this world. Any opportunity to say Yes! Once they have had their say, we usually have a rough outline for a story.

This first part part of the class is pretty chaotic. They are very busy here, creating their homes and costumes, running around, talking, yelling sometimes. During this time they also begin to play. All kinds of things happen during this play period which can last up to 30 or 40 minutes. They are deeply involved. There are few conflicts during this time. Sometimes there are disputes about a particular costume or piece of equipment. The instruction is always, “well, we have to share”. The basic guidelines is if someone had it first, it is theirs. Sometimes I just have to decide. They seem so engrossed sometimes that I will say “OK guys. If you want, we can just play today”. No matter how intense the play is, how involved they are in it, although there are sometimes one or two who would choose to just play, the majority always want to go ahead with the story. Not once have they chosen to forego the play and just keep playing.  

So, when it is time for the story to start, it is time for them to go home and be quiet. There is no talking during the story, and no interrupting. There is one exception. Each child gets one “stop” during the story. This is a time when they say “Stop” to me, the storyteller, and the play comes to a halt. They can then change their part of the story. Maybe they don't want to do what I have just told. Other times they have a new idea. It doesn't matter. Again, I get to say yes to this new idea if at all possible. They cannot control others or their stories, only their own, and if the change involves someone else, they have to ask permission.

The story always begins the same way. “This is a story about.....” This is their introduction and is very important. Each character is announced, “This is the story about a ferocious Jaguar named Horizon who has wings and magical powers and lives with her best friend the Jaguar Horizon 2, who also has magical powers. It is also the story about “Tree-girl, who lives in the forest, and it is the story of two deer named Grasswind and her baby deer Rose, and it is the story about a dragon named Lava who shoots fire.” They love being acknowledged like this. Sometimes they will stand up and kind of bow to acknowledge their character. Another big Yes.

Once the story begins, they are required to go along with the story, (with the “stop” exception noted above.) I tell them what is happening, “The prince decided to go for a walk in the forest” and they do it. “He came upon a little house and knocked on the door.” (Knock knock) A princess opened the door and says “Hello” and the child repeats “Hello”. The prince said “Good day young lady, I am prince of the land and I am looking for my brother who appears to be lost.” The prince repeats these lines. She might reply “King Obe captured him and has taken him to his prison.” And so the story goes.

The principle is based on how children actually play with a little added structure. It is not performance. It is about being in the moment and exploring the imaginary world. If you observe children just playing, it is a very fluid process. Things transform constantly and the story evolves and moves all over the place, sometimes more than one story line going at a time. You will notice that the stronger personalities can dominate the course of the play. Their interpersonal dynamics are exposed and can be harsh and demanding. Feelings can get hurt, friendships developed or ended, at least for the moment. In GSP we are using this play pattern but we are focusing the story line and the action. They each have control of their own character and story, but they also have to go along with the general story too.

One young boy came in wanting to know what you called a man whose wife had died. He knew that a woman whose husband has died is called a widow. I told him that the man whose wife has died is called a widower. That's what he wanted to be, a widower. I asked if he wanted his wife's death to be part of the story that day. He said that he did, so the story began when the man's wife goes out to pick vegetables in the garden and does not come back. When he goes to see what has happened, he finds that a tree has fallen on her and she is dead. He is very sad and buries her in the garden. Then we went on with the rest of the story. It turned out that in his life, this boy's father and mother had just separated, with Dad moving out of the house and out of the area. I don't know that there is a specific connection between this character and the storyline and the drama in this child's life. It would seem so, but I don't really know or care. I know that he was deeply involved in the story that day, on his own terms and with my assistance. That's enough for me, and it certainly was enough for him.

The children love this class and it is remarkable to witness the progression of their characters and stories over time. One young girl came into the class and immediately wanted to be evil. She was usually a witch of some non-specific kind although sometimes she was very specific. She wanted to capture people and do mean things. The other children went right along with her and accepted this from her without question. Sometimes she would transform into good, but sometimes not.

Of course, in my stories, at the end, evil does not win, ever. There is always some kind of good ending. I feel this kind of exploration involving evil or darker influences, is developmentally appropriate. You can see this reflected in Grimm's fairytales, especially if you look at older editions, pre-Disney. You will find a curious mix of gruesome and bloody episodes, death and evil, exposing children to a range of experience across the spectrum of emotions. It is a way to have a glimpse of those emotions in a safe way. Children do this in their play all the time. They act out the adult world and the dramas that are happening around them. This is indeed part of 'saying yes' to what is important in their lives. I believe they are very aware of the darker side of things and need to be able to touch in to it. I'm not talking about horror or intense scary scenes, but in a contained context, like a fairy tale or a Guided Story Play, they crave to extend their experiences into the dark, to bring into light the hidden. They sense it, they know it is there, and, as the itinerant explorers they are, they want to go there and look around. It is thrilling in the same way many of us love roller coasters and spook houses. The key element for young children is consent because this breeds safety. It has to be at their initiative and to the exact level of emotion that they are comfortable with, and they are very good at letting you know exactly what that is if you are paying attention. If they feel coerced in any way, then the environment will not be safe and they will not be able to move through.

It is easy for adults to feel they need to be in control of everything. There is a culturally based distrust of the young, which breeds a general resistance to saying yes. What if they get carried away and I won't be able to stop them, or they will get out of control. It is true that unattended and ignored children do not do well. The idea that children all know how to play is not quite accurate. They are very clever and left to their own devices they will create their own structures and safety, but they also need our guidance. They pick this up through all their interactions with us, even down to the tiniest moments. They take those interactions and they try them out with each other. This is how they develop. What they need is to be exposed to an appropriate level of autonomy and empowerment with responsible, caring adults around them to set boundaries and manage the emotional environment.

This is why clear guidelines are essential so that they know what is ok and what is not. Some of this is positive, like that we share the costumes, the cloths, the electronics. Even the gold. We have some plastic gold pieces in a small purse. This comes in handy if someone wants to steal their gold, and then they get to recover it. At first one person would take all the gold and would not want to share. When they realize that they were expected to share the gold, they accepted that and would share. Now one of them will take the gold pieces and become the keeper of the gold and will pass it out to any one who wants it.

Sometimes the guidelines are restrictive, like we don't hit or hurt and that we can't do anything to anyone that they don't agree to. The basic principle is one of fairness and respect. Once they begin to realize that you are going to be fair to them and that one won't be allowed to dominate, they relax. This also frees them up to imagine what they want might want to do. Whatever it is there is a possibility that it can be acted out. Sometimes no one wants to be captured by the Prince because no one likes him today. In those instances, King Obe will often do it .Then I can say Yes.

My favorite thing is to watch a young child become more and more confidant about who they want to be each day. Sometimes they will walk in all excited to tell me who they will be. They have clearly been thinking about it and planning it for some time. The look of satisfaction and even joy with which they embrace these other parts of themselves is delightful and warms my heart.

The idea of including others in your story and asking their permission is part of a larger context of sharing that is an important part of the GSP experience. It is fundamentally a cooperative process. We are working together to create this fluid and precious space. Sometimes I will forget a particular part of a story. They always remind me. Even if I have come to “and that is the end of the story” they will say, “but you forgot the part where you try to capture me but I fly away up into a tree”. This happened yesterday in fact. The story had concluded with King Obe being trapped, for the second time, however this time, he could not get out, he was trapped forever. I had forgotten that Isabella wanted to be captured and rescued by her friend Sienna. They are very close. In fact, whatever Isabella is, Sienna is too. This day they were jaguars, ferocious jaguars named Horizon and Horizon 2. They often have the same name as well. The story was over, but Bella really wanted to finish her part, so I just said, “OK, well, King Obe gets out of the trap and on his way home, he runs into Horizon, the ferocious Jaguar. King Obe says, “Well hello there. You are certainly a beautiful and ferocious Jaguar, I am King Obe, I am very glad to meet you.” And the Jaguar says “Hello King Obe” and growls in a menacing way. “Oh what a beautiful Jaguar, I would love for you to come to my house and have some tea with me... I also have ice cream and candy.” “OK” says the jaguar Horizon. King Obe takes her to his palace. “Right over here” he says, “Just go down those stairs (King Obe's prison is under the piano, behind the piano bench.) The jaguar went down the stairs and was now in King Obe's prison. “Aha,” says King Obe, “I captured her. Hooray! Now I have my very own jaguar”. Meanwhile at home Horizon 2 realizes that her friend is gone. She sets out to look for her and after looking for hours, she comes upon King Obe's palace and hears a strange sound. It is Horizon howling. (Horizon howls). “Is that you?” says Horizon 2. Horizon howls “Yes”, so Horizon 2 finds the prison and using her magical powers, she rescues Horizon from the Evil King, and they return to their home. And that is the end of the Story. “ No problem.

I had a class recently of children who had been doing this process for quite a while. Some of them for a year. Their story telling had progressed and gotten a little more complicated and they became more insistent about wanting to change the story after we began. This is one of the areas where my structure is important and rather central to the success of the program. When children are just free playing with each other, the story line is continually changing as they build and expand on what they want to do. You will see them taking turns directing things and, you will see the more dominant personalities directing things more. It is extremely fluid. For my class this just won't work. We would never get to agreement and completion of the story. So, this restriction allows there to be a beginning, middle and end of the story. But here was this group that was wanting more control. One day they came in and I said, “Listen guys, I know you want to have more changes and tell more of the story, but if we don't limit it somehow, we will never finish a story. What do you think we should do? How could we make this work?” There was a short silence. One of the girls said, “How about we each get two stops.” I thought about it for a moment. “OK, good. Two stops then.” And it worked. They liked having more than one time to change things, and I knew that there was a limit that they would respect, and so I could relax. I also had to adjust the amount of set-up and play time. Starting the play sooner allows us to include the extra stops and still get everyone's story in with time left for clean-up. Our last story had 9 stops.

After the story it is clean up time. In the past, and in other contexts, this is sometimes a problem. Someone or other does not want to clean up or no one wants to clean up.. They want to keep playing, or they want to leave, whatever. In this context though, clean up seems to just flow out what we have been doing without the least resistance. Very quickly the costumes and clothes are back in boxes, the electronics are in their boxes, the ropes are back in the rope bag and they are ready to leave. Perhaps it is because they have just spent an hour in a world that they love, bathing in Yes and affirmed by their own imaginations. I don't know. It doesn't really matter.